"You've found Excalibur! You have freed the sacred sword! You are King Arthur, you dozy twonk!"
"Oh," said Arthur dumbly. "Nice one."

A series of astounding coincidences lead 13-year-old oddball Arthur King to believe he is the reincarnation of the legendary King Arthur, once and future king of England. With his equally impressionable new friend Lawrence, Arthur finds a sword buried deep in the condemned Albion Wood and what follows is a story - nay, legend - of bravery, honour and trying to get off with his mate's older sister.

Can Arthur:
*Defeat Barry "thicker than a giant's greenie" Guthries?

*Save Albion Wood, home to a species of magical bird?

*Win the hand of his Queen Gwen. (who would actually rather use that hand to punch him in the face?)

Extract:

Arthur is trying to ogle Gwen by attempting to lean on her class room window, thus copping a couple of retinas full. However, the stalking idiot should have realised the window was wide open and he has fallen right thought onto her desk and rolled onto the floor in a flailing heap of embarrassment.

Arthur stood up as quickly as he could. He nodded at Gwen and said, Afternoon. A speedy exit would end the incident, he quickly surmised, but instead of walking out of the classroom door he climbed back out of the window adding to the farce. Arthur fell to the ground outside and limped towards the school's sports hall where a line of puzzled looking first years were leaving for dinner. One of them started walking beside the red faced Arthur.
"Why were you climbing out of the window, Arthur?," asked Lawrence Lott. He was a smallish, fresh faced first year kid with a cheeky grin, large buck teeth and a mop of tangled curly blond hair.
"That never happened. Go away from me," said Arthur stiffly, without looking down at the child.
"You weren't after that fifth year girl again were you? Everyone knows you love her. You're always following her around aren't you. Wow, I've never met a real stalker before. I'm Lawrence by the way."
Arthur stopped dead and glared at the boy. "I am not a flipping stalker. I've never even heard of Gwen, let alone seen her. And even when I have seen her I have never looked at her. You're an idiot and a fool and on that note I shall bid you good day," snapped Arthur. He walked on.
"If you want, you can come to my house for dinner. I mean, you know what'll happen if you go over the town centre, the fifth years will only dangle you over the flyover again. I live right up by The Griffin pub. There's a chippy just near it." Arthur stopped again and thought. The kid was right. Today's incident was the latest in a long line of catastrophic attempts at getting closer to Gwen. Everyone teased him about it, even the shop keeper's in Thornaby town centre. And he'd forgot about the flyover. He turned to Lawrence.
"But why on Earth would I want to be seen with a first year kid, let alone at his house?," said Arthur sarcastically. "Because I'm Gwen's brother. I'll show you her underwear drawer if you like." Within a second Arthur had his arm round his new best friend and they walked on happily chatting together. First they went to a chip shop where the chips and scraps were on Arthur, then they went to Lawrence's sister's bedroom where pretty soon the bras were on Arthur too.

First published in the UK by Scholastic Ltd, 2003 - Scholastic Children's Books - Commonwealth House 1-19 New Oxford Street London WC1A 1NU UK Text @copy; Copyright Dean Wilkinson 2003 Cover illustration by Ali Pellat ISBN - 0439978351 Reproduced by permission of Scholastic Children's Books.